The search for balance

The search for balance is a constant theme in my life.

Emotional balance, coming to peace with my past, finding some way to resolve the illusion of my youth with the reality, fighting the deeply ingrained reactions and overreactions from my early years, is a challenge for me.

Balancing my health is another perpetual concern.  Between endocrine problems and energy issues there is always a fine line between functional and not.  And that delicate balance can be wrecked by the common cold. For example, I’m five weeks out of the gym thanks to a summertime cold right now. That is ending today.  Live or die, I’m crawling back to the gym.

Then there is the inner versus exterior struggle to find balance in my life, in my writing.  How much to say, how much to reveal, how much can I dig up from my past and share without compromising my future.

I’m not alone, I know most people have similar issues, but I’ll admit, it’s become a central theme for me.  Here’s an example, I have an endocrine problem, if I eat too many carbohydrates (simple carbohydrates to be precise) I can count on a hypoglycemic “crash” in about 20 minutes.  So I have to balance when I eat, what I eat and how much I eat, and add to that exercise.  This isn’t too different from what anyone with a chronic illness needs to do.  I resent how pervasive it is.  How it crawls into every corner of my life.

But even that isn’t as bad as the depression.

Yeup, I’m another tortured writer.  I can imagine the eye rolls.
Well, not that tortured today. Thank goodness.

I’ve struggled with depression for thirty-five years.  That’s pretty remarkable, at least I think so.  Initially I wrote “I lived with depression.” but, you don’t really live.  Yes, you do all the technical breathing, digesting and metabolizing, but there isn’t much ‘living’.  Mainly because all the things that register as ‘life’ are unable to penetrate the depression. When things are very bad everything seems to be rather flat and tasteless.

That is why balance is so important to me. I do find that as my body is healthier, my mind is healthier.  I write primarily to help my own mind find some sort of emotional and mental balance. It is an exercise to keep me functional. And I do try to exercise daily.

Balance: a consistent goal, with variable results.

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