100-word Essay: Off The Rails

If you want to know more about this cycle within Complex-PTSD take a gander at this post.

Book Review: Intense Transformation

This little book is rather like a HIIT workout itself. Short, intense, sometimes a challenge, but in the end, it is worth the work.

For those that are not familiar with the term, H.I.I.T. stands for High-Intensity Interval Training. Many programs over the years have followed the HIIT principles. Among them, Crossfit, P90X, Tabata, and interval training all have connections to the core idea of HIIT.

Intense Transformation
by Paul W. Matthews

I was happy to see the author spend time on the benefits outside of sheer physicality. There is a component of HIIT that includes body awareness, mindfulness, intention, and breathing. He also hits on the commensurate nature of HIIT and Yogic practice.

He emphasizes the use of mindfulness in HIIT workouts and the value of precision in movement over just throwing out a load of badly formed reps. This gave me a great deal of hope as I was reading. His emphasis on bettering your own performance is exactly where it needs to be.

Instead of the manifesto, I was kind of thinking I would see, Mr. Matthews seems well-read in the current state of sport research. He uses science to back up his writing, another feature I enjoyed.

Initially, I was afraid I was picking up a dude-bro-type training manual. While he is positive, and ever encouraging the author is also well-grounded in science, mindfulness, and practicality.

I am motivated to go dust off my kettlebell.

I received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.

Book Review: Ta Le – Book 1: Knowledge

I picked up the novel of Yessoh G.D. entitled “Ta Le” because I wanted to experience a culture that was not my own. I find myself torn about leaving this review because my background is not African and I’m wondering if I am missing something, or if I’m taking something for granted that is not applicable.

Either way, I’m going to plunge ahead and leave my honest review. I will leave it up to the reader to decide if I have encapsulated the novel with accuracy and fairness. So, let’s begin.

We follow two main storylines in the novel. The first is a government operation involving a young analyst drawn into affairs far above his pay grade. After the assassination of an important global figure, Kobenan is tapped to help solve the mystery of this death beside the mysterious leader of the government-based S-cell. The second storyline is of Joel a young man in the city who finds his familiar world unraveling at an alarming speed. In one evening he is orphaned and his sister is spirited away by creatures he has always seen, but never understood. With this act of violence, he is swept into a world of African lore, which appears to be preparing for war.

These two stories weave together through a convoluted series of events that introduces Kobenan and Joel to the unknown world of spirits and djinn that surrounds them. Powerful beings have come into the world and they are being manipulated and sought by a powerful magician who seems bent on the destruction of the current world. A nice twist arrives at the end when we discover — sorry, just can’t do that to you.

But, suffice it to say – I didn’t see them coming. That string of sudden revelations was a pleasant surprise. Overall, I found the pacing was good and the characters have so much more to give.

Now to the part of the story where I had problems. There were moments when through the voice of the narrator the modern world could fall away. I found myself immersed in a dark night on a vast savannah with only the comforting light of a campfire, the figure of a storyteller, and the story.

These moments were wonderful and engrossing and rare. The problem I had was that they were also invariably interrupted. As a reader I found myself confronted with a harsh flip back to modern times. Don’t mistake me. This wasn’t because of the mention of suits, or ties, or watches, or SUVs. The presence of modern items was not the problem. The jolts came from a sudden trip in style or the intrusion of modern language.

When the author draws the reader into the world of lore and djinn, and the ancestors it is truly a magical transformation. I wanted to stay there. My disappointment was that in the end, my time in those wild and untamed realms was all too brief.

I received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.

A new post up at the CPTSD Foundation

Scattered

As children we were blown apart. Now we seek to draw those parts together.
As children, we were blown apart. Now we seek to draw those parts together.

Just a quick dive by to say – “No, I haven’t shuffled off this mortal coil.” Nor have I shuffled off to Buffalo.
My brain is so scattered today. I opened the computer to post this – and ended up ordering 400 page dividers.

If you can figure that out… tell me. Please.
That was just a weird one.

So – here I am being random girl — when I have things to do.
Real things.

I’m agent hunting. This time I think I’m doing it in a better and more structured manner than last time. So – hey, I can be taught. Every day I’m attempting to put two well-crafted queries out into the void. Just two. And yes, even that is a stretch on some days when my brain is playing zippy-the-squirrel.

And if you’re interested – I’m thinking of doing something a little weird. Like that’s a surprise? But – it’ll be an experiment. Look for it to hit the ether – either today or tomorrow.

Ok. There seems to be a bit more focus in the tank now.
Onwards.

Book Review: Dark Apprentice

Wow, I really dislike Nikolai Fedorov.

I know this guy. He is the guy who smirks when they think you can’t see. He is the guy convinced of their own superiority.

From the first page to the last Nikolai, the main character, is both protagonist and antagonist in his own story. He undoes himself at every turn. And, by the end, he has learned absolutely nothing, grown not one hair, and is still the conniving creature he was at the beginning.

Some readers might argue that Nikolai did “change” by the final scene. Nope. Look again. The only change was that he moved his teacher from his mental list of adversaries to his list of allies.

That is not growth. That is merely rearranging his opinion on someone’s usefulness to him.

So, why did I stick with the novel to the end? Good question. I’ll admit – I put it down twice and walked away. I think the thing that drew me back was a simple need to finish the thing so I could get it out of my head. And, because I think I know what Nikolai is hiding under all that calculating cunning. So, back I went.

Allow me to insert a note here: My degrees are in Soviet and E. European studies. My mother is a survivor of WWII. I have spent many hours speaking with people about the sieges of Leningrad and of Stalingrad. I have a well developed idea of just how grim a childhood was in one of those, or other Nazi occupied areas of the Soviet Union.

It makes sense that Nikolai would see the world as one brutal conflict to win – at all cost. So, on one hand I despise what he is and, on the other, I can pity him.

The other major player in the story is the immortal mage Medea. She takes Nikolai as an apprentice against all her better instincts. She has his measure and yet still takes on a power seeking, lying, cheating psychopath.

Her decision is explained late in the story. My response to the revelation was — And your best solution was to teach him? Uhm. Yeah. Medea may be immortal, but I have serious problems with her judgement. This is not to say she is a paragon. She obviously still has a few problems of her own to work out.

As far as the technical side of things went, the writing was clear and the story moved along. But, the emotional depth of the characters left me wanting something more. I didn’t so much make an emotional connection with the characters as I had an emotional reaction to them.

So, would I call this my usual “brain popcorn”? No. It’s more like candy-corn, you either like it or loathe it. This is the first in a series – Will I read book #2? At this instant, I don’t know if I’m willing to allow Nikolai to take up any more of my time.

I received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.

Book Review: Steady

Steady: A Guide to Better Mental Health Through and Beyond the Coronavirus Pandemic by Dr. Sarb Johal is one of those books I wish everyone would read.

80% of the people around the globe would find some idea or thought within these pages that would help explain the currently fluid world we find ourselves within. They would find an understanding professional who clearly lays out the current causes of anxiety at every level from personal to global.

Dr. Johal is imminently well qualified to write this touchstone for the world. He has worked with governments and international organizations, to develop psychosocial responses for over a decade. Among the crises he has helped guide populations through is the H1N1 pandemic.

He knows his stuff.

The prose is clear and approachable. The concepts are clearly presented and there is ample reference to resources for those, like myself, who are inclined to look at the nuts and bolts of research.

It is, overall, a calming and reassuring look at the changing social landscape caused by the COVID pandemic. Dr. Johal offers understanding and practical approaches to the mental stresses that it seems everyone is facing. He doesn’t offer rainbows, but he is offering umbrellas to help us make it through the current series of crises.

One thing I found of particular note is his refusal to advocate for the ‘normal’. Quite rightly Dr. Johal reminds the reader that every situation is fluid, even if it is familiar. He doesn’t give any promises, but he does make emerging from the pandemic seem possible.

— Oh, and that other 20% or so, those are the folks who live with long term trauma. And while we may know a good bit about anxiety and uncertainty, we would do well to read the book, too. Because, sometimes we need to remember that not everyone is as programmed to flourish in the shifting unknown.

(And no, I don’t know if it really is a 80/20 split – it’s a metaphor.)

I received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.

Unpacking: COVID and ‘brain disease’

light blue one use medical protective masks

The headlines are terrifying.

The study behind the headlines was published in the Lancet on April 6, 2021 (yesterday, as of writing this)

I recommend you go read the study, but for a short recap I’m going to break it down here. The main take away point from the study is this:

The largest group of outcomes involving the brain from having COVID-19 are mental health issues.

And really, who could be surprised by that?

I’m in no way attempting to minimize the role of mental health. (Seriously, have you looked at the rest of this blog?) But, I did want to show the data behind those horrid headlines in the media.

Mental health is a serious matter, and the recent study demonstrates that the next wave to follow COVID-19 might be a series of mental health crises. I’m not the first person who has espoused this possibility. Nor, do I think I will be the last.

IF anything, this study has demonstrated that mental health is interwoven with physical health. The first order is to preserve life, but we must not abandon the fundamental human need to live.

The data below is taken from Table 2, of the study.
The table below shows the rates of each outcome for COVID-19 patients at the four levels of severity –
non-hospitalization, hospitalization, ICU admission, and delirium.
Additionally, the data is organized from most common to least common Based on the “No hospital” column.

Outcomeno
Hospital
hospitalICUDelerium
Mood, anxiety, or psychotic disorder (any) 23·59% 24·50% 27·78% 36·25%
Anxiety disorder (any) 17·51% 16·40%19·15%22·43%
Mood disorder (any)13·10% 14·69% 15·43% 22·52%
Mood, anxiety, or psychotic disorder (first)8·15%8·85% 12·68% 12·96%
Anxiety disorder (first)6·81% 6·91% 9·79%9·24%
Substance use disorder (any)5·87%8·56% 10·14% 11·85%
Insomnia (any) 5·16% 5·95% 7·50% 9·82%
Mood disorder (first)3·86% 4·49% 5·82% 8·07%
Nerve, nerve root, or plexus disorders2·69% 3·35% 4·24%4·69%
Insomnia (first)2·23%3·14% 4·24% 5·05%
Substance use disorder (first)1·74% 2·09% 3·15% 2·58%
Ischaemic stroke (any)1·33% 4·38% 6·92% 9·35%
Psychotic disorder (any)0·93%2·89% 2·77%7·00%
Dementia0·35%1·46%1·74%4·72%
Psychotic disorder (first)0·25%0·89%0·70%2·12%
Data are percentage at 6 months (95% CI)

All the other outcomes, which were all physiological, were under 0.50% Those include: Intracranial hemorrhage, Ischaemic stroke, Parkinsonism, Guillain-Barré syndrome, Myoneural junction or muscle disease, and Encephalitis.

If you go read the study, which I recommend you will see that it was well constructed and thorough. I have a small niggle with the combination of outcomes they chose to examine – but in the end the brain is all about chemistry, so I can’t really complain.

What is Complex-PTSD (CPTSD)

Definition of C-PTSD


Complex post – traumatic stress disorder
is a psychological disorder that can develop in response to prolonged, repeated experience of trauma in a context where the individual has little or no chance of escape.

Honestly, I can’t remember if these are my words or not. Please tell me if they are yours.

That is the clinical definition of Complex-PTSD. Other resources will explain C-PTSD as a form of PTSD that has other overlying factors. The two can be easily confused if you don’t start with the definition. The definition above holds some key phrases.

The first is “prolonged, repeated experience of trauma.” Most instances of PTSD are traced back to a single horrific event. Not so with C-PTSD. Someone who has this form of mental wound has experienced not one instance of trauma, but multiple instances, even possibly their entire life.

The second phrase to take note of is “little or no chance to escape”. I would add the words ‘over time’ to that phrase, because that is a key part of C-PTSD. Anyone who has suffered trauma was not in a situation to escape – but where PTSD is an instance, C-PTSD plays out over a long period of time. The person who is being traumatized has no means to escape their situation.

Persistent feelings of worthlessness or emptiness.
constant feelings of emptiness or hopelessness

There is another central issue when differentiating PTSD from C-PTSD and that is the mind that experiences the trauma. The initial group of the population where PTSD was observed was military veterans. In this group, the men and women were all over 18 years of age when they experienced trauma. This is important because most of their cerebral development was done. They knew who they were, and they knew who they wanted to return to being after the trauma. When we talk about C-PTSD the trauma can start as early as infancy. That is perhaps the most important difference. In PTSD the individual, usually an adult, has a point before the trauma to return to. People with C-PTSD have no previous to return to in many cases because they were shaped from their earliest moments by their traumatic environment.

Symptoms of PTSD and CPTSD

Complex PTSD builds on the already accepted symptoms associated with PTSD. So, while someone with PTSD will experience symptoms from the list on the left, someone with C-PTSD will experience symptoms from both lists.

PTSD

  • Memories of the trauma.
  • Flashbacks – Reliving the trauma.
  • Dreams or nightmares
  • Emotional or physical reactions to reminders
  • Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the event
  • Avoiding anything that reminds you of the event.
    Negative thoughts about damn near everything.
  • Hopelessness about the future
  • Memory problems
  • Difficulty maintaining close relationships
  • Feeling detached from family and friends
  • Depression
  • Feeling emotionally numb
    Being easily startled or frightened
  • Always being on alert
  • Self-destructive behavior
  • Trouble sleeping
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior
  • Overwhelming guilt or shame

CPTSD

  • difficulty controlling your emotions
  • feeling very angry or distrustful towards the world
  • constant feelings of emptiness or hopelessness
  • feeling as if you are permanently damaged or worthless
  • feeling as if you are completely different to other people
  • feeling like nobody can understand what happened
  • avoiding friendships and relationships, or finding them very difficult

dissociative symptoms 
depersonalisation or derealisation

physical symptoms: headaches, dizziness, chest pains and stomach aches

regular suicidal feelings.

This list is from mind.org.uk

Emotional Flashbacks vs. Flashbacks

You would think that there wouldn’t be a dividing line between these two terms. After all, both are moments when the brain is hijacked by the past and trauma is reexperienced. The difference lies in the brain. A flashback is a full sensory being there re-experiencing of the trauma. The person can see, feel, even smell and taste all the details of the event. Those details are stored in their memory. They reexperience every part of that trauma.

The concept of the emotional flashback extends this to include periods of early childhood where the ability of the brain to form, store and retrieve memories is still developing. Particularly in the area of the visual cortex. What that means is that the memories of the event are stored complete with all the associated emotions, but there is no visual context. So when you encounter something that triggers a memory of that trauma – you are instantly swept back to the emotions of that time. And, you have nothing to correlate it with.

This being flung into emotions that are overpowering, without knowing why, or being able to point to any specific memory is one of the most disorienting, and in my opinion frightening aspects of C-PTSD.

Core Beliefs of CPTSD

The manner in which the other major symptoms of C-PTSD can manifest are as varied as the people who suffer with this condition. One core belief that many people with C-PTSD have is that they are essentially fatally flawed. And because of their own brokenness, they are undeserving – of anything.

This is the core belief that tells us we are not worth ‘the bother’. This is the core belief that makes us accept the least. This is the core belief that makes it difficult, at the least, to face conflict. The script in our head says we are not worthy of our parents love, therefore we are not worthy. It is the core belief that we are worthless, completely without value.

CPTSD: Survival before growth

Most of the people with C-PTSD have created defenses to keep them safe from their early environments. Most of the people who live with C-PTSD are fiercely independent. We are also likely to be stoic. But many of these traits come from the need as a young child to be ‘easy’. Many people report a similar scenario of not asking for anything, because asking was dangerous. Others report that they abandoned things they enjoyed for the sake of peace. Many of the strategies we developed as children were not to explore our world, but instead to survive our world.

Where are we now

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is more widely known in the public. Efforts to educate about this mental wound, typically found in soldiers but also victims of violence, have been ongoing since the 1980s. In contrast the study of C-PTSD is relatively new. So new, that it is not yet included in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5)

But, European sources are starting to recognize that C-PTSD is a disorder that should be recognized as a unique set of symptoms, behaviors and challenges. Hopefully, one day the DSM will follow.

There is a great deal more to convey but, for now, to sum it all up, Complex-PTSD is a bitch. Really.

Poem: Glitter dust

Talk to me of whilom days.
Remember them as you speak.
Comfort me with simple lies
of color, joy, and laughter.
Allow me to breathe again,
in a time before the dark.
Fill my mind with glitter dust.