My novel, UNHOMED, has percolated in the back of my mind for well over a decade. I finally found the courage to take up pen and put it down on paper. In 2020, I finished, editied it to the best of my ability at the time, handed it off to a professional editor for a line edit–commas are the bane of my existence–and started the process of querying.
I had no success in interesting an agent or a publisher in my work. After swallowing the bitter disappointment, I stood back and took a very critical eye to my efforts. And, yeah, my book was a hot mess.
So, comes late 2021 and I start the rewrite. Great swaths of my novel are as they say in the film industry ‘on the cutting room floor.’ After the rewrite cue the editing. Since June 2022, I have been relearning all that stuff they taught us in fifth grade that we were never going to use again. (Let that be a lesson to you, kids.)
So, here we are in October of 2022. I’ve started querying again. With a much altered, and I hope much more attractive, work. We shall see. But before those woes take over my brain, I thought I would share some of the editing notes I have made as I worked my way through the story.
Editing Note: Words Matter
“He chased the promised daylight, plodding forward through the tunnel’s perpetual night.”
The ‘-ing’ phrase is at the end of this sentence for a reason. Emphasis is on chasing the light. The how is slow, trailing behind. Which is what the PoV character is doing.
Editing Note: Capturing Character
Alexa crept towards the edge. We could.
This is an aspect of Complex PTSD.
This ‘we’ is important. It’s not a mistake.
Alexa usually manages to present a united front to others, and to herself. When deeply distressed, her inherant fragmentation comes to the surface.
‘I’ dissolves/fractures into ‘we’.
Editing Note: Words Matter
Compare :
“Alexei chose his words with caution.” Versus “Alexei picked his words with caution.”
In this case I went with ‘picked’. Why?
Well, Alexei is in the middle of a political ‘minefield’ at the moment and I thought the word reinforced the precarious nature of the moment.
Editing Note: Words Matter
Before: The result of their opposition was their wholesale destruction.
After: Their opposition resulted in their annihilation.
And – not shown, but I’m wondering about using
Their opposition bought their annihilation.
I’m still playing with this one.
Editing Note: Point of View and Keeping Secrets
Alexa says – “You sent me away to learn to be a savage, Mother. I have learned well.”
What is going on here?
We are in Alexander Petrovich’s point of view. So this is what he witnesses. BUT
The reader knows that Alexa swore in an earlier scene that she would not call Berengaria, Mother. However, in the moment she slips and ingrained pattern trumps intention.
The result, the reader knows more about Alexa than her own father at this point.
Editing Note: Playing with double meanings.
“The Bishop’s face went deathly white. He moved aside, held up his hand to stay the executioner and spoke to the assembly.”
Assembly is doing dual duty here. The people are assembled to hear the Bishop, and assembly is also another word for congregation.
Editing Note: Capturing Character
Without warning the body betrayed her.
This is an aspect of Complex PTSD.
This is important phrasing. ‘the body’ NOT ‘her body’
It speaks to how divorced she is from her physical self at this moment and in general.
We have an earlier example of this in Chapter one.
The heart disobeyed.
Editing Note: Capturing Character
How do you capture an aspect of your character’s Complex PTSD with one word?
This was one of the hardest aspects of the traumatic wound to pinpoint.
In the end it came down to one word ‘to’ instead of ‘at’.
The difference between being a whole identity and not being whole is contained in two letters.
Further Note: A future editor may hate this, but this one is worth going to the mat.
This is an aspect of Complex PTSD.
Editing Note: Capturing Character
The inevitable mobilization of the clergy to find Alexa was upon them.
This is Thanji thinking to himself – and it is a bit archaic and formal, but this is the precise formality that this character thinks in.
EditingNote: Tighter
Example – Before: “Alexa, clutching her spear and bag, drove herself through the brush. She could sense Thanji on her heels though she could not hear him over her own panicked gasps.”
Becomes:
“Alexa, clutching spear and bag, dove through the brush with panicked gasps.”
Editing Note: Kill ’em
Example: “Try it again. Pace. Pace,” he said, shooing her down the hallway to get her moving.
You see it right?
Those damn explanitory phrases. I have tons of them in my writing.
Listen to it without the trailing explanation.
“Try it again. Pace. Pace,” he said, shooing her down the hallway.
Tighter. Cleaner. And more Showing than Telling.
Editing Note: Leaped or Leapt?
Answer:
Leapt is British English / Leaped is American English
Leapt is an older form of the verb. / Leaped a newer form.
Personally, I use leapt because I have an English mother and I am a dinosaur. They will pry my British ‘u’ from my cold grey coloured fingers.
Editing Note: Tighter
Before: “Who will come and embrace the Church?” The bishop stood with his arms extended. Not a soul stirred. Their hearts were hardened against any promise of mercy. The bishop dropped his arms and nodded.
“So be it.”
Now tighten it up it becomes:
“Who will come and embrace the Church?”
The bishop stood with his arms extended.
Not a soul stirred.
“So be it.”
Editing Note: Tighter
Before: “With a smile that did not warm her cornflower eyes, Berengaria picked up the pen, and dipping it in ink as bitter as her gall, started to compose her revenge.”
Becomes: “With a smile chilling her cornflower eyes, Berengaria raised the pen, and dipping it in ink as bitter as her gall, composed her revenge.”
Editing Note: Words Matter
Example Before – “A portrait of Dramont’s late wife hung on one wall.”
Becomes – “A portrait of Dramont’s dead wife dominated one wall.”
Editing Note: Tighter!! Sensing, redundant, and setup phrases – kill ’em.
Example: “Alexa noticed there was blood on the linen square.” Tighter becomes – “There was blood on the linen square.” Even tighter becomes – “Blood stained the linen square.”
Editing Note: Words Matter
Thanji nodded his approval or agreement?
I went with approval.
Why?
Because it implies a level of authority. Agreement is more among equals.
Secondary note: You could simply say “Thanji agreed”, or “Thanji approved.”
BUT, I feel the slightly longer construction is more visual, it reveals something to the reader, as well as to the characters around him.
Editing Note: Such a gift.
The note – don’t let this get changed. Why?
As it stands it carries three independent meanings, and each of those meanings is correct in the context.
Editing Note: Notes I never thought I would write.
Well-worn furry friend.
It’s a double entendre.
Well-worn describes both the condition of the puppet’s coat and that the man wears a dead rat as a sock puppet.