Understanding Complex PTSD
The following essays and poems, memes and posts try to capture what it is like to have Complex PTSD (cptsd). The topics range from having a flashback, to dealing with triggers, to avoidance, to strategies to … well, you name it. Understanding complex PTSD can be tough, whether you are in the midst of it or whether you are supporting someone who is. I hope these essays and captured thoughts can help illuminate the dark.
Included in the list of items below are a variety of materials (kinda the kitchen sink approach.) – If you’ve come here looking specifically for the poetry, the essays or the memes – these links should help. If you would like to see external resources – try this page
New Area:
Complex PTSD Survivor Voices
A safe place for Complex PTSD survivors to write about their experiences. Our stories are as different as our journeys.
The first essay – Fierce Independence by Anonymous
Fierce independence and self-reliance are survival skills. We don’t see the rage or pain behind it, we don’t hear the primal screams of an abandoned child.
Continue reading…
Exploring Complex PTSD and Psychosis
Interesting stuff coming out of the UK about Complex PTSD. The North West United Kingdom mental health services conducted a unique study looking into the relationship of trauma, particularly complex trauma, with psychosis. In short, they had 144 people who suffer from psychosis answer questions. The questions were designed to help assess the trauma the … Continue reading Exploring Complex PTSD and Psychosis
Conformity
curled, twistedbroke and bentpulled and pushedtorn and rentpieces droppedlimbs loppedall to shapea perfect figmentof feminineaccomplishment
Tragedy
My brotherA nameI simply movedFromOne columnTo another.
Another Day
Another dayAnother ten roundsEven when you can’tYou don’t want To fight. Any more. No mas. No mas. Those are the daysTo fight the hardest. We fight to live.
An Analogy: the Wetsuit
People often find it difficult to explain, or to understand Complex PTSD. I often find myself falling into metaphor or analogy to explain the experience. The reason for using an abstraction is because in Complex PTSD the particulars from one person to another vary – greatly. I have found that trying to paint a detailed … Continue reading An Analogy: the Wetsuit
Counterpoint
Between the ideaAnd the realityBetween the motionAnd the actFalls the shadow ~TS Eliot (The Hollow Men) That space betweenA pointOf precarious balanceWhere we existBoth alive and not. ~ M.Stewart (on complex-ptsd)
By Jove – I think I finally get it.
This post is probably going to sound a lot like bragging – but I promise there is a point at the end… I am challenging myself to do ‘one big thing a day’. Why? Because I stand in amazement at what an ordinary human can accomplish in a morning. For decades I have watched friends … Continue reading By Jove – I think I finally get it.
Divided
I cannot describe how deep the wound goes. When I lost mybrother – he was only seven andI was only three. After that we shared the same house. We fought and shunned one another. Neither one awareof the poisonthat forced us apart.
Bone Deep
We were never meant to carryThe shame that goes bone-deepfor any reason,for every reason,for no reason. It is not ours to keep.
A new post up at the CPTSD Foundation
Ah yes, the Holidays. Here is my Thanksgiving wish for you, and me. This will be the first official ‘holiday’ at my mother’s house in 5+ years. The feeling is kinda “I wonder how it’ll go” v. “OMG – What have I done?”I’ll be keeping all of you in my thoughts. Hang in there.
Fierce Independence
A part of the Complex PTSD Survivor Voices Series. This strives to be a safe place for Complex PTSD survivors to write about their experiences. Our stories are as different as our journeys. What is Complex-PTSD by Anonymous Fierce independence and self-reliance are survival skills. We don’t see the rage or pain behind it, we … Continue reading Fierce Independence
Raindrop
Heavy raindrops fallSplashing on my glassesBlinding me to all. Michael takes awayThe lenses that warp my sightWith a tender kiss. Giving me shelterFrom the chaos of my pastI cling to his strength His oak to my ivy. His sun to my rain.
Gabby Petito – Another Lost
The video of the stop in Moab Utah. Fair warning – It is hard to watch. I heard the news this morning about Gabby Petito as I checked my feeds. The confirmation of my worst fears was there, displayed on the screen. I heard there was a video of the interaction with law enforcement in … Continue reading Gabby Petito – Another Lost
Nailed in the past… a paradox
This is one of those things that when I think about my Complex-PTSD should have been obvious. How I missed it for so long really confounds me. I often talk about the paradoxes that arise in C-PTSD. Here I have stumbled into another one. It goes something like this. Huh. I just realized how weird … Continue reading Nailed in the past… a paradox
Poetry Battle: Bliss
The prompt and the week that it is attached to sometimes are not in sync. This is the situation reflected in this entry to the poetry battle. The prompt was : Bliss.
Healing the Invisible
After a few tries you wonder if the voices of the CPTSD are right. You fear you never will be ‘visible’.,, But, there is a tiny voice within undulled by all the abuses and fear that whispers – “Try.”
Falling off the edge
Meanwhile, the Dr., the Pharmacy, the Insurance company are all looking at one another and telling me that I am not their problem.
Meanwhile – I’m running out of my medication.
100-word Essay: Off The Rails
If you want to know more about this cycle within Complex-PTSD take a gander at this post.
Unpacking: COVID and ‘brain disease’
IF anything, this study has demonstrated that mental health is interwoven with physical health. The first order is to preserve life, but we must not abandon the fundamental human need to live.
What is Complex-PTSD (CPTSD)
Definition of CPTSD Complex post traumatic stress disorder is a psychological disorder that can develop in response to prolonged, repeated experience of trauma in a context where the individual has little or no chance of escape. Honestly, I can’t remember if these are my words or not. Please tell me if they are yours. That … Continue reading What is Complex-PTSD (CPTSD)
Question of interest for book on CPTSD
A question to readers about Complex PTSD.
A little victory over CPTSD
I didn’t have a migraine last night.Read that sentence again because I’m going to explain WHY? that is a big deal. Ready? One of the symptoms of my Complex PTSD, since I was 12 perhaps, has been debilitating blinding headaches. I could expect expect 3-4 nights out of the year that I would spend sleeping … Continue reading A little victory over CPTSD
Very Short Story : Dangerous
I will never be alone. I forevercarry my mother’s voice with me.In my head the word ‘danger’echoes, inescapable.Stairs, danger. Eating, danger.Ice, danger. People, danger.That word, her fear isher legacy to me. Feb. 2, 2021 Note: The VSS series is an outgrowth of writing prompts for Twitter. The goal is to produce a Tweet that fits within … Continue reading Very Short Story : Dangerous
The Hollow Way – ala Robert Frost
Robert Frost’s poem “The Path Not Taken” was the starting point for this homily of recovery.
New T-Shirt (aka. I did a thing)
Ok. I did something extravagant last year. I made myself a T-shirt. This is it. I was planning to wear it on a family trip – but that went bust. Maybe next year? I’m so excited every time I wear it. It starts conversations on #cptsd – and that is exactly what it is designed to do. … Continue reading New T-Shirt (aka. I did a thing)
Off the rails : CPTSD Cycle
Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a bitch. I was trying for something more academic sounding, but let’s face it, I’m not on that plane today. Nope, today is one of those days where I’m just trying to figure out where I put my sh*t. Or, more accurately, where I lost it. I know when. … Continue reading Off the rails : CPTSD Cycle
For my brother
Duane Robert Stewart October 16, 1964 – January 18, 2021 My brother died today and I wept for him, for us. For all the warm words we never exchanged, For all the jealousy we held for each other, For all the times pain was our only contact, For the words of hurt, For the thefts, … Continue reading For my brother
Touching base
Well, January 2021 certainly led off with a bang. I still see things on the horizon of concern. I’m trying very hard NOT to focus on those. Instead, I am head-down in editing my second novel while waiting somewhat patiently for my first novel to have a pre-order date. I’m also trying to remind myself … Continue reading Touching base
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