I don’t know if this post will go up. Really.
Most of my posts are crafted in a place of cerebral analytic detachment. This post originates in intense visceral pain.
Still sounds like it is running through the brain, doesn’t it? Well, I have to do that, or I wouldn’t be able to spell viscera.
Focus.
Pain. Terror. The only way I could sum this up to myself or to anyone else is simply, I hurt.
It doesn’t help that I’m quartering my meds. The Dr., the Pharmacy, the Insurance company are all looking at one another and telling me that I am not their problem.
Meanwhile – I’m running out of my medication.
I spoke to the state oversight board of insurers. Well, sure I can file a complaint – and then wait 30 days.
30 days.
Right.
Did I mention one of the risks of rapid ungoverned withdrawal is psychosis?
I’ve already been fighting for nearly 30 days, to get my medication. To keep some semblance of control over my emotions and my mind.
I’m quartering my dose just to try to keep total implosion from happening.
I feel like I’m losing.
I feel like I’m being torn apart.
I feel frightened.
I feel – too much.